Introduction:
Harry Potter and the Sword of Gryffindor Harry Potter and the Sword of Gryffindor
Chapter Ten: House-Elf Spanking Inferno
Disclamer: Not mine, I own nothing. I’m not making any money
WARNING: Harsh Language, adult themes, sexual situations (i.e. smut), bad spelling and grammar.
Author’s Notes: This story is a broad farce with over the top humor (a good deal of it is crude and sexual) and OOC actions (that’s Out Of Character if you don’t know). Also, this is my first smut-ish fic. If you don’t like sex and sex-based humor, do NOT read this!
Chapter Ten Summary: Things get revealed in the bathroom… well more revealed than they already are that is.
“Oh, bugger,” repeated Harry.
A small House-Elf partially hidden behind the wall of other House-Elves was able to pop his or her head through a tiny opening and gazed in awe at Harry and Hermione’s naked forms. “Look at that! It be wonderful!” the little House-Elf heralded.
“We need to get out of here,” Harry murmured on the verge of panicking, his face still hovering over Hermione’s naked flower.
“Harry, let’s get out of here right now!” Hermione blurted out as she scampered out from under Harry to seek cover behind him.
With as much dignity as he could muster, Harry covered his bits with his hands while slowly standing up. He could feel Hermione rise with him. He thought that she had lucked out since she got to use Harry’s whole body as a shield from the prying eyes of dozens of House-Elves, whereas he was only able to use his hands to shield himself. But then again, he decided that he would willingly protect Hermione whenever she needed it. Even if only to block the prying eyes in this case.
Scanning the living wall of House-Elves that blocked their exit, Harry turned his head to face Hermione – who was looking nervously over his shoulder – and informed her, “I don’t see a way out.”
“Is there a way out Harry?” Hermione asked nervously.
“Why are you repeating everything I say?” hissed Harry who was reaching his wit’s end.
“Harry, I really wish you would stop speaking in Parsletongue,” snapped Hermione. Apparently when Harry had “hissed” his question, he was literally hissing. “There’s no chance of you getting to go down on me anytime soon, so could you please speak English now.”
Closing his eyes, Harry focused on speaking English, which was a little difficult seeing that he was thinking he was speaking it already. He cautiously asked, “Can you understand me now?”
“Yes,” Hermione whimpered. “Do you see a way out?”
“Um… no,” he replied weakly.
“How about a towel? Do you see any towels so we can cover ourselves?” she pleaded.
The only towel Harry saw was the small hand-sized one he had just used to lather Hermione’s boobs. Harry’s mind drifted back to the very recent, and pleasurable, memory of him rubbing Hermione’s titties with that same towel. Of course, he had quickly abandoned the towel in favor of his tongue.
This temporary moment of reflection had an unfortunate side-effect; it got a rise out of ‘Harry, Jr.’. Harry could feel his appendage begin to stir in his hands. Even though he had just climaxed, Harry knew that in a matter of seconds, ‘Harry, Jr.’ was going to poke its head out of his hands and have a look around with its one good eye. ‘Damn my teenage virility!’ Harry cursed internally.
“Step aside,” a voice that sounded incredibly old ordered from behind the wall of House-Elves. The wall quickly split in half and parted to reveal an amazingly old House-Elf (so old that he made Kreacher look like a baby). This elderly House-Elf was dressed in a very distinguished and regal manner – of course being a House-Elf, his clothes were made up entirely of rags. But Harry could tell that they were rags of a regal manner. “Dobby, be comin’ forth,” the old House-Elf wheezed.
Dobby appeared out of the mass of other House-Elves and walked toward the regal looking ancient elf.
“Is yous certain?” the old elf asked.
“Oh, yes, Dobby is very certains, Fetch, sir,” announced Dobby.
“Brings the Book,” Fetch, the old elf commanded, after eyeing Harry and Hermione suspiciously. Harry could tell by the reverence in which Fetch said “Book” that it was so important that the word deserved to be capitalized.
Six House-Elves marched into the bathroom carrying a very large and very old looking book. The book was at least four feet long, two feet wide, and three and a half feet thick. Hermione pressed herself into Harry’s back in an attempt to get a better look at the gigantic book, which for Harry meant trouble. Unknowingly, Hermione’s attempt to see the book more closely just caused her to push her lovely mounds into Harry’s back. This added to the fact that he was getting aroused at the memory of washing her breasts caused ‘Harry, Jr.’ to become more excited. It was bad enough that every single House-Elf saw him starkers, the last thing Harry wanted was for them to see was his manhood fully erect. He desperately tried to think of disturbing and even disgusting things in order to quell his rising arousal.
The first image that Harry tried to focus on was Ginny; he could always count on the mere thought of that girl to quell an erection. In fact, he gave her a nick-name while he was standing in the bathroom in front of the House-Elves; “Gin-Gin, the Erection Killer.”
Harry tried to focus his mind on the recent, and still disturbing, memory of a topless Ginny sitting on his bed. But he found it difficult to recall the image of Ginny with her modest-sized breasts exposed. The difficulty was mostly due to the fact that Hermione was pressing her naked boobs in his back; the only thing Harry could see in his mind’s eye was the even more recent, and so much more enjoyable, memory of him licking ‘Carmella’ and ‘Natasha’ clean. This memory, of course, had the opposite effect as far as the helping of quelling his erection went.
The six elves placed the massive book on the floor in front of Fetch (who had almost disappeared behind the large tome) and with a snap of his fingers, the book magically opened to a segment halfway through the pages. Hermione let out a soft moan as she saw that the tome was filled with words, sentences, paragraphs, and whole chapters that she hadn’t read yet. Unfortunately for Harry (yet again) the soft moan that Hermione had let out was fairly erotic and the sound of his girlfriend moaning in his ear chased away any remaining desire he had on focusing on any disturbing, or even disgusting, things to aid in stopping encroaching embarrassment. ‘Harry, Jr.’ was poking against his fingers as if the organ was asking if it was allowed to come out and play.
“And now Fetch be reading from the Book of Elfish Prophesy: the Word of Bonky, chapter five, verse one hundred and twelve: /’And lo thine brethren shall be in chains for years upon years upon years!'” /Fetch read aloud from the book.
Hermione made a sound akin to purring in Harry’s ear. There was a book, one that she hadn’t read, or even heard of, sitting right on the floor in front of her, teasing her! Hermione’s unintentional purring noise had an affect on our poor hero. ‘Harry, Jr.’ was no longer poking against Harry’s fingers; the organ was beating on them in hopes of bashing through the barricade.
“Hermione, please be quiet,” Harry pleaded in a whisper, as beads of sweat appeared on his brow. It was rather hard… err sorry about that… work trying to prevent an erection.
“‘And suffer ye shall,'” Fetch continued to read, oblivious to Harry’s plight and Hermione’s apparent excitement. “‘Ye children and ye children’s children and ye children’s children’s children will live through bondage until She arrives. And delivers us into the glorious light of Freedom!'”
/Then Harry felt the one thing that could cause him to lose the battle in stopping a very happy /’Harry, Jr.’ from saying “Hiya!” to every House-Elf in the room. Harry always knew that Hermione loved books, but he never realized until now how just much she really /loved /them. That thing that nearly made Harry lose his battle was ‘/Natasha/’ and ‘/Carmella/’ becoming erect and stiffly poking him in the back. Sweat now dripped of the tip of Harry’s nose as he struggled to contain his growing… err sorry again… arousal.
“‘… And ye shall know Her, for She has a bald feline and can make the One of the Mark stand with just a word…'”
/ /Hermione apparently lost all of her composure, because she gently placed her hand on Harry and was about to ask him to move out of the way so she could get a better look at the book. Unfortunately, Hermione had to decided to place her hands on his bare bottom and breathe seductively in his ear; “Harry…”
BOING
Whether or not ‘Harry, Jr.’ literally made the “/boing/” noise when the organ had escaped from his hands was irrelevant to Harry. All that mattered was that his oldest and most constant toy was now giving every House-Elf in the castle the “happy eye”. If ‘Harry, Jr.’ had a voice, Harry imagined that it would be shouting to the assembled House-Elves, “You lot, bugger off! Me and the lady are gonna wrestle.”
The reaction Harry received from the House-Elves when they witnessed his fully aroused state was very different from what he had expected. He thought that they would react in fear perhaps, maybe scream at the wizard with the hard-on, or make a mad dash away from the perverted human screaming, “He’s pointing it at us!” Harry even thought that some of them would snigger and point at his manhood as they compared it to others they had seen, much as Kreacher and Dobby had. Maybe one of them would bemoan the fact that they would have to “finish off the mistress” much like Dobby used to, but this time due to Harry’s inadequacies.
Instead of laughing or running away in fear, the House-Elves did the most curious thing: they bowed. Every single one of them bowed in Harry’s direction the moment ‘Harry, Jr.’ had appeared to them.
“All Hail the Great One!” they praised with heads on the floor as if in prayer.
Hermione looked over Harry’s shoulder and down at the very jubilant ‘Harry, Jr.’ and said, “I rather like it, but I wouldn’t go as far as ‘the Great One!'”
“Hey!” Harry said dejectedly.
“We’s is free!” one of the larger House-Elves shouted as he jumped up and rushed at Harry. The elf held his arms out to hug Harry as he rushed forward. In his mind, Harry did a quick comparison. Judging by the height of the House-Elf, his head was going to be at ‘Harry, Jr.’s level when he hugged him. Rather than have a House-Elf place his head against his naked, and still fully aroused, bits, Harry – being the brave Gryffindor he was – jumped out of the way. Which, unfortunately, left Hermione to deal with the overzealous elf.
Undeterred by Harry’s ingenious plan of “jumping out of the way” the elf threw his arms around Hermione’s midsection (luckily, Hermione was shorter than Harry so the elf’s head was around her bellybutton). “Oh Great One, yous has finally arrived.”
“Take yous hands off of the Great One, Stubby,” demanded Fetch. “Shows our Savior some respect!”
“Stubby sorry, oh Great One,” the elf said as he let go of Hermione. When the elf, Stubby, backed away from Hermione, she was in too much shock to cover herself back up. Upon seeing her shaved crotch, all the House-Elves murmured, “The Bald Feline!”
“The what?” Hermione demanded.
“Forgives us, oh Great One,” Fetch replied to Hermione.
“Wait… she’s the Great One?” asked Harry, whose jump left him sitting on the ground with a still very awake ‘Harry, Jr.’ pointing at the ceiling. He was more than a touched surprised by this revelation. He had expected that he was the Great One; he figured since he had so many titles already, one more wouldn’t hurt.
“The Prophesy states that ours Savior would be having a ‘Bald Feline,'” Fetch continued and gestured reverently to her groin.
“What?” both Harry and Hermione shouted.
“It is obvious that yous is the Great One,” explained Fetch. “You haves the Bald Feline.”
Harry and Hermione alternated between looking at her shaved groin and Fetch several times before Harry said aloud, “Oh I get it now. Feline… cat… hee-hee!”
“It’s purely for hygiene!” Hermione defended.
“This coming from the girl who just said /’my hair isn’t the only thing kinky about me’/,” retorted Harry from the ground, while still chuckling.
“I’m getting a lecture about perversion from the bloke with a hard-on surrounded by House-Elves.” Hermione shot back.
“Please, oh Great One, do not be angry at’s the One of the Mark,” Fetch humbly interrupted. “If the One of the Mark had not be standing at yours word, we woulds not have been sure if yous was indeed the Great One.”
“Huh? What was the middle part?” asked Harry.
“He said if you didn’t get a hard-on when I said your name, he wouldn’t have been sure about me being ‘the Great One’ simply for having a bald pussy!”
“‘Bald Feline,'” corrected Harry.
“Be quiet ‘One of the Mark’,” Hermione chastised.
“Oh, so that’s my new title.”
“Please, Fetch, I think you’ve got the wrong witch,” Hermione said, ignoring Harry. “I don’t think that I’m your savior.”
“What about SPEW?” inquired Harry.
“Shut it, Harry,” Hermione seethed. “What makes you sure I’m the one?”
“Here, oh Great One, sees for yourself,” Fetch said and gestured to the book. The six elves that had brought the book in held it up so that Hermione could read it. Still very naked, Hermione began to skim through the pages of the book. As Hermione continued to read the book, Harry tried to busy himself.
“Hi, I’m Harry,” he greeted a female elf next to him.
The female elf looked down at Harry’s crotch and commented, “Naw, yous is not too bad. But it wouldn’t hurt if yous were to trims it every once in a while.”
“Twidy believe it being called ‘man-scaping’,” another elf, apparently named Twidy, offered.
“How can you be sure that I am this prophesized savior?” asked Hermione the elderly House Elf, as she turned the page in the enormous book. “This book appears to be centuries old. I have to assume that your kind has come across a woman who was shaved prior to me.”
“In the Book of Dumko, it clearly states in chapter forty-eight, verse one: ‘… and the Great One shall stand before you with her bald feline proudly…’ much like yous is doing now, oh Great One.”
Hermione must have forgotten that she was naked because she blushed a bright red and tried to cover her various bits with her arms and hands. Harry noted that he himself had seemed to have lost all sense of humility. Which wasn’t surprising seeing that in the last few days McGonagall had seen him naked and aroused, Ginny had stripped him naked and molested him, Ron saw him naked and sprawled out on the floor, and Tonks had gotten her own special show. Added to all of that, now every single House-Elf had watched as ‘Harry, Jr.’ popped out of his hands. Harry reckoned that any sense of embarrassment of public nudity had been burned out of him. Shrugging his shoulders, Harry leaned back and let ‘Harry, Jr.’ and his luggage bask in the open air. Mind you, ‘Harry, Jr.’ was still up and raring for another round of playtime with Hermione.
“Beholds!” Fetch called out as he gestured to Harry’s aroused state. “From the Book of Dumko, chapter forty-eight, verse two: /’… the Great One’s companion, the One of the Mark, shall greet thy and thine brethren with both heads held high!’/”
Hermione’s skin burned even brighter upon noticing Harry still erect organ. Harry felt a strong sense of masculine pride as the House-Elves’ eyes shined brightly as they looked at ‘Harry, Jr.’
Still blushing furiously, Hermione turned to a small female House-Elf who was trembling in the presence of “the Great One and Her Companion”. As politely as she could, Hermione asked the nervous House-Elf, “Would you mind fetching me a towel or something to wear?”
Every House-Elf gasped as they tore their eyes away from Harry to stare at Hermione once more.
“Halleluiah!” several House-Elves rejoiced in unison.
“Agains from the Book of Dumko, chapter forty-eight, verse three:” began Fetch while tears of joy streamed down his face. “/’… the Great One shall be humble before the most humble in thine midst…”/
/Fetch snapped his aged fingers again and Hermione was draped in the most beautiful robe Harry had ever seen. It was made out of the finest silk and lace and had thin strands of gold spun into it. Of course the silk was so thin and light that Harry could easily see /’Carmella’ and ‘Natasha’ along with the ‘Bald Feline’. Hermione couldn’t help but to beam as she inspected her new robes. With her eyes smiling, Hermione faced Harry and was about to start to ask him what he thought of it when she saw the apparently ever-erect ‘Harry, Jr.’ looking back at her.
“Could you please conjure some clothes for Harry?” she asked with a little embarrassment.
“Certainly, my lady,” again Fetch snapped his fingers and Harry was clothed. However, Harry’s new clothing wasn’t the fantastic robe that Hermione had received. Instead Harry was now dressed in a pair of plain white boxers. But the boxers did nothing to help hide Harry’s organ from sight; ‘/Harry, Jr./’ was proudly sticking out of the flap in front.
“Why do boxers even have that opening?” Hermione questioned, a bit scandalized.
“I reckon it’s an escape flap,” offered Harry.
“An escape flap?” Hermione asked incredulously. “Never mind,” she added and she bent over and scooped up the wash cloth Harry had used on her boobs and tossed it on /’Harry, Jr.’/. Of course, by now, the cloth had become quite cold and Harry squealed as the cold and wet cloth landed directly on his organ.
Turning her attention back to Fetch, Hermione asked, “What makes you certain that I’m your so-called Great One? Honestly, prophesy can be open to interpretation.”
“That be true,” agreed the ancient House-Elf. “In fact Fetch’s predecessor was being quite positive that the One of the Mark would actually being named Mark.”
“You see!” exclaimed Hermione. “It’s open to interpretation! So what makes you sure now?”
“The signs is unmistakable,” Fetch replied cryptically.
“Because of the ‘bald feline,'” put in Harry. He had said it with a touch of bitterness because ‘Harry, Jr.’ had lost interest due to Hermione being un-naked again, but mostly because the appendage was covered with a cold towel. Harry imagined if the ghost of Gryffindor was here that he would make another rude comment about “blue-balls.”
“You’re not helping, Harry,” snapped Hermione.
“Pardons my lady, but hes be correct. We’s should be recognizing the signs…” began Fetch. “Yous are the one who leads us to Freedom!”
“Wait a tick,” interrupted Harry. “For two years, Hermione tried to enlighten you all and petitioned our classmates to get you lot civil rights and you rejected her completely! You even went as far as avoiding any contact with her. Dobby was the only House-Elf who dared enter the Gryffindor Common Room for most of our fifth year.”
“But if that’s true, what happened to all of the hats I made?” asked Hermione. Harry recalled that she had worked very hard making a plethora of tiny hats in an attempt to free the House-Elves. Harry still didn’t have the heart to tell her that Dobby had been the one who took them all. He realized that he didn’t want to see Hermione upset.
“We’s was not sure yous is the prophesized one,” Fetch explained. “For we’s it be considered heresy to be seeking freedom without the Great One leading we’s.”
Thinking of all the hardship and ridicule that Dobby had suffered from his fellow House-Elves, Harry asked, “Is that why you treat Dobby the way you do? Because he wanted to be free?”
All the House-Elves looked at Dobby with obvious disdain.
“Actually, One of the Mark, Dobby be a rather…” Fetch began to explain and paused as if he was searching for the proper phrase. “He be having a peculiar hobby.”
Hanging his head, a blushing Dobby confessed, “Dobby likes to steal and wear witches’ unmentionables.”
“Is that what happened to my /’Hello Kitty’ /knickers?” asked Hermione. Realizing what she just said, Hermione nervously looked at Harry and blushed brightly.
“Dobby, that’s disgusting!” Harry chided. “Stealing knickers from first years and then wearing them!”
Harry had automatically assumed that the pilfered set of novelty knickers were stolen years ago because his girlfriend obviously hadn’t worn such things since adolescence. Then, Harry remembered that Dobby hadn’t started to work at the Castle until his fourth year. Therefore his assumption about the theft occurring in Hermione’s first year didn’t make sense. Dobby corrected Harry’s observation.
“Oh no, One of the Mark Harry Potter Sir, Dobby took the Great One’s kitty unmentionables the night before last,” the elf squeaked. “Dobby would’ve taken them the first night you two arrived, but the Great One was still wearing them…”
Harry looked at his girlfriend with a great deal of amusement. The night they had arrived at the Castle was the same night that she had first gone down on him. And she was wearing ‘Hello Kitty’ knickers at the time.
“You are a naughty one aren’t you?” Harry murmured to Hermione who, at that time, was doing her best to ignore him by attempting to casually whistle and twiddle her thumbs.
“Dobby, this be true?” Fetch asked. “The Great One was wearing these… what were they’s be called?”
“/’Hello Kitty’/ knickers,” Harry happily provided.
“Since the Great One do be enjoying this ‘Hello Kitty’, it must be divine,” concluded the ancient House-Elf. “All Hail Hello Kitty!”
“ALL HAIL HELLO KITTY!” every House-Elf cried out joyously.
“The Great One also likes spankings!” offered Harry, as he tried to fight the approaching bout of unstoppable laughter.
“HARRY!” scolded Hermione. But it was too late. The air in the bathroom was filled with the sounds of dozens of tiny elf hands slapping dozens of tiny elf bottoms.
“ALL HAIL THE GREAT ONE!” SMACK! “PRAISE OURS SAVIOR!” SLAP!
This new action by the elves bothered Harry; he had announced the fact that Hermione liked to give and receive spankings in hopes of embarrassing his girlfriend further. But unfortunately, he had incited a spank-fest amongst the entire House-Elf population of Hogwarts.
Harry had to admit that the swat that he had given Hermione the day before piqued his interest; he was keen on the idea of pursuing the whole “spank my bottom” side of Hermione further, but this sight before him was truly disturbing. Tiny hands flew with abandon, smacking their targets gleefully. Small red bottoms jiggled as their owners shouted out various praises.
Harry could tell that Hermione was very uncomfortable, due to both the Elves praises and their orgy of spanks. In a move that he thought would comfort his girlfriend, Harry got up and put his arm around her. But, Harry discovered something when he put his arm around Hermione. He found she wasn’t in any discomfort. Well not the discomfort that he was thinking of.
“Are your nipples hard?” asked Harry, upon noticing the even stiffer appearance of ‘Carmella’ and/ ‘Natasha’/. They looked like they were attempting to tear through the lace of Hermione’s lace and silk robe.
“Harry, please…” Hermione breathed out in a mortified, yet breathless, tone.
“You ARE naughty!” Harry whispered in her ear. Without her noticing, Harry discretely raised his hand up in the air. “ALL HAIL THE GREAT ONE!” he cried out before bringing his hand down to slap her playfully on her bum. Hermione squealed out in both pleasure and surprise.
The resounding smack that Harry had landed on Hermione’s bottom signaled an abrupt end to the spank-fest. All the bulbous eyes turned to Harry. Some looked confused while others looked murderous.
“He touches Her!” one elf called out
“How dares he!”
“He’s the One of the Mark… he’s can be touching Her,” another argued.
“The Great One be pure and virtuous. He’s not to be thinking of touching Her.”
“Excuses me, he’s was about to lick Her Bald Feline when we’s be coming in,” a voice near the back pointed out.
“Yeah, She’s be only human. They tends to do things like that.”
“She’s be the Great One,” a particularly angry elf said while shoving another to the floor. “She’s be above such things.”
“Batka saw Her place the One of the Mark’s second head in her mouth in the library,” a elf, presumably Batka, said before punching some other elf.
“You saw that?” both Harry and Hermione asked, completely shocked.
“Heresy!” With that battle cry, nearly every House-Elf attacked one another.
One group would argue in-between punches that the Great One was allowed to have intimate relations with the One of the Mark. “She’s be doing whatever and whoever She’s wants!” The other group dismissed such arguments by calling out, “She’s be above physical desires.” That and biting the ears of the other group. Some House-Elves were actually conjuring chairs solely for the purpose to use the piece of furniture as a bludgeoning weapon.
Apparently the only two elves not involved in the escalating battle were Fetch and Dobby, who were standing close to Harry and Hermione. Fetch humbly addressed Hermione, “Forgives us, oh Great One, sometimes we’s be liking a… heated discussion like this one,” he explained. “Fetch think it be best if Dobby would escorts You and the One of the Mark out of this room.”
Without waiting for a response, Dobby grabbed Harry and Hermione’s hands and they disappeared from the bathroom. With a pop, they appeared in Harry’s room.
“Dobby must goes back to help Fetch ends the… discussion,” Dobby said and quickly disappeared with a pop. A second later, Harry could hear Dobby’s muffled voice shout though the walls separating them; “The Great One happen to be enjoying playings with One of the Mark’s second head!” This was immediately followed by a loud bang.
Once in a while, a bang, scream, or crash would emanate from the bathroom indicating the breadth of the skirmish between the Elfish factions. For what seemed like minutes, Harry and Hermione stood in silence, lost in their own thoughts. Harry’s mind was filled with the revelation that Hermione was apparently the prophesied savior of House-Elves. But more importantly, Hermione was a really naughty witch! She wore ‘Hello Kitty’ knickers and was aroused at the House-Elf spank-fest. He was about to end the thoughtful silence and jibe her about her fetishes when a very loud and booming noise emanated from the Common Room. It was so loud that it felt like the very foundations of the Castle were being rocked. The noise even drowned out the elf-riot as well.
“YOU DID WHAT?”
“What the hell was that?” Hermione asked as dust fell from the rafters.
Harry was about to respond by saying he didn’t know when the voice boomed again.
“YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!”
“Is that…” began Harry upon recognizing the voice, “… Mrs. Weasley?”
“HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?”
Fearing the worst, Harry and Hermione dashed out of the room and down to the Common Room. They found Ron huddling in fear in the corner, while the Weasley matriarch was screaming at Ginny. Gin-Gin, the Erection Killer looked as if she was in total shock, her face was deathly white and her eyes appeared to be threatening to pop out of their sockets and run away. Mrs. Weasley was the living embodiment of rage; her face was a furious red and was twisted into a mask of anger. She continued to berate her daughter, not realizing that she was spitting in Ginny’s face as she ranted.
“THROWING YOURSELF AT HIM LIKE A SCARLET WOMAN! I DID NOT RAISE YOU TO BEHAVE IN SUCH A MANNER!”
Ginny, who was wearing a humble set of robes (which Harry was immediately thankful for, he couldn’t handle seeing her naked again) looked like she had soiled herself very recently. “I-I-I-I-I’m not the scarlet woman, mum,” Ginny stuttered, trying to save herself. The fear in her voice was apparent, and her squeaking voice sounded like an underfed mouse compared to Mrs. Weasley’s booming voice. “Hermione’s let Harry lick her, down there. And she swallowed him, and he came in her eye!”
“MOLESTING THE POOR BOY AFTER YOU TIED UP HERMIONE! WHAT DROVE YOU TO DO THAT?” Molly shouted, completely ignoring her daughter’s statement.
Harry wondered for a moment if Mrs. Weasley had used a Sonorus Charm on herself, because her voice was far too loud to be natural.
All of the anger and rage pouring off of Mrs. Weasley wanted to make Harry run away like a scared little boy. But when he tried to turn and run away, he found that Hermione had once again taken sanctuary behind him and had wrapped her trembling arms around his midsection. Even though he wanted to run away, Harry now had to stand there and witness this most terrifying event unfold because Hermione had apparently gone into shock and he wouldn’t leave her there alone.
Harry considered grabbing Hermione and running back up the stairs with her in his arms. He was quite surprised to find out that his body was refusing to obey any command. Harry decided to add “Angry Mrs. Weasley” to the list of things that made him freeze up in fear.
“AND NAKED TO BOOT! YOUR BROTHER SAID HE SAW YOUR…your…” Mrs. Weasley seemed distressed at finishing her statement. But she wasn’t about to let anybody off without a proper lecture. “FOR MERLIN’S SAKE, HE SAW your cunny!” Apparently, Mrs., Weasley was so mortified that she had to use the word “cunny” in public, that she had said it so softly, in contrast to her normal /”Lecture Voice”/, that Harry thought he’d gone momentarily deaf.
“But Mum, they were naked too!” Ginny tried once again to derail her mother. “Look at them! She’s wearing a completely see-through gown, you can see everything! And he’s wearing nothing but shorts. Look-look-look!” she added frantically pointing at his crotch. “He’s hanging out of them!”
Harry wanted to put ‘Harry, Jr.’ away, but his mind was still too filled with terror to do so.
“AND THEN ATTACKING HERMIONE! I HAVE HALF A MIND TO BEAT YOU SILLY, YOUNG LADY!” Mrs. Weasley punctuated this threat by brandishing her fist in front of Ginny’s face.
“WHAT MADE YOU THINK THAT WHAT YOU DID WAS ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR?”
Harry gulped in fear and he felt Hermione shudder.
Mrs. Weasley roughly grabbed hold of Ginny’s ear and dragged the girl toward the exit of the Common Room. “JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL YOUR FATHER HEARS OF THIS, YOUNG LADY!” Mrs. Weasley screamed as she and her daughter disappeared into the hallway.
Somehow, Harry thought that whatever punishment Mr. Weasley could dish out for Ginny was nothing compared to what Mrs. Weasley was going to do to her.
Harry breathed a sigh of relief, unfortunately too soon. Mrs. Weasley reentered the room with a stumbling Ginny still being dragged by the ear behind her. The older witch stomped up to Harry and wagged her finger in his face.
“I’m not your mother and you’re both adults,” Mrs. Weasley lectured. Even though her voice was calm, Harry still felt the anger pour off of her body. “But I do NOT approve of how fast you two are going!”
Once again, Mrs. Weasley dragged Ginny toward the exit by her ear. Mrs. Weasley paused in the doorway and turned back toward Harry and said, “However, regardless of my views, you should really try to improve your aim. It really does burn when it gets in your eye. I only wish Arthur would learn that. I’ve been telling him for years and years, but does he listen? No, he just shoots himself all willy-nilly over my face, not caring that it gets in my eye or up my nose…
“Also, Harry dear, put it away,” Mrs. Weasley suggested while glancing down at ‘Harry, Jr.’ “You’ll catch a cold.”
But Harry hadn’t really comprehended Mrs. Weasley’s comment on his manhood. Instead, his mind was filled with an incredibly disturbing image of a spent and naked Mr. Weasley standing over an equally naked, but more disturbingly, goo-covered Mrs. Weasley. Harry couldn’t take anymore and fainted.
*
There was no one else; no interruptions, no problems of the outside world, and no worries. Just the two of them… and tonight, the night was theirs alone. A hand lovingly caressed a cheek. His warm lips brushed against her lips. A throaty sigh escaped her mouth as he trailed kisses down her neck.
The two friends and lovers tossed their robes to the side without hesitation. Even though there was no need for haste, they had been waiting for this for a long time. He cupped her breasts in his hands and thanked the heavens for their wonderful gift of this woman while kissing her mounds. She purred as her lover tweaked her nipples.
With a wicked grin on her face that she knew would drive her man wild, she knelt in front of him as if she were at prayer at the alter of his love. She wrapped her hands around his already erect organ and leaned toward him. He held his breath as she took him into her mouth.
His mind was a whirl, no matter how many times she would take him like this, he would never tire of the sensation of her lovely and talented mouth around his love.
But, as these things happen from time to time, the man found that couldn’t hold back. Shortly after his lover began to work on his member, he grunted in an animalistic manner and she quickly pulled herself away since she still hadn’t grown to like the taste of his discharge.
“Hold on-” she implored. But it was too late. The thing she knew was going to happen, the thing she dreaded occurred. He unloaded himself upon her face. It splashed on her nose and into her eyes.
“Damn it!” she scolded her lover and began to wipe his seed from her eyes before too much of it seeped in. “I’ve told you before, you have to aim better, Arthur!”
With that, a messy faced Molly Weasley stormed out of the bedroom, leaving her husband panting.
*
Screaming as if his life was in mortal peril, Harry awoke from his nightmare. With sweat dripping form his body, he sighed in relief as he quickly realized that he was still in the Common Room where he had fainted after Mrs. Weasley had given him advice on how to aim properly so his ejaculate wouldn’t get in Hermione’s eyes. The nightmare had passed.
“You have it easy,” a trembling voice sounded from Harry’s right. “She’s not your mum.”
Harry turned to find his best mate, Ron, sitting on the floor several feet away from him, rocking back and forth. The red-haired wizard’s eyes were bloodshot and sunken, his face was the palest Harry had ever seen it. Harry assumed that his friend had gotten violently ill, several times.
“I’ve never seen a naked woman until yesterday,” murmured Ron, his voice hollow and his eyes looked past Harry as if they had seen enough horror to last him a lifetime. “Then… Then I saw Bellatrix, all… all that h-h-hair… The first woman I see naked almost makes me almost shun the notion of sex completely. Then the next bird I see is Hermione, and I hope you don’t mind me saying this Harry, but she is pretty hot. Nice set of jigglees on that girl. I thought that the horror I felt from seeing that Death Eater skank would have been chased away forever. And even better, Hermione was rolling around on the floor with another girl. The first thing that popped in my mind was ‘/This is great! I get to see two naked witches go at it. What luck!'”/ Ron continued in his lifeless monotone. “I even thought the other witch was kinda… was kinda… h-h-h-” Ron began to stutter as he forced himself to give voice to his shame. “I thought she was h-h-hot. Harry, it was my little sister for Merlin’s sake! I saw her… her bits! A brother should not be forced to see his sister’s… bits! It’s not fair!
“I did what any bloke in my situation would do: I ran to my Mum.” Harry could tell that Ron was in a losing battle with his personal demons. “I fire-called her and she came straight away. I told Mum what happened, how Hermione and Ginny were fighting over you and that Ginny had even tried to molest you. Well, she gave me a talking to, about how I wasn’t a good brother and how it was my fault because I set a bad example for her and what-not. So my day was getting worse: I saw my sister’s… bits and then my mother was blaming me. But I figured it couldn’t get much worse. But then she had to go and give you…. advice…”
Harry shuddered in fear of the recollection of that advice.
“I could have gone my entire life very happily without hearing my mum admit that she’s had my dad’s baby batter in her eyes.” Ron paused before concluding: “I will never be hard again.”
Harry nodded his head silently as he too wondered if ‘Harry, Jr.’ would ever come out and play again.
Both emotionally distraught wizards turned to the portrait hole as the Fat Lady’s painting swung open. Hermione walked in followed by Dobby; each was carrying a tray piled high with food. Harry noticed immediately that the tray that Dobby was carrying was loaded with cakes, éclairs, and biscuits, whereas Hermione’s tray had a varied array of fruits and vegetables. Much to Harry’s dread, Dobby, with his tray filled with delectable goodies, headed straight for Ron. Since Hermione was still insisting that Harry remain on his mysterious diet, she placed the tray of veggies and fruit in front of him.
“Can’t I have one éclair?” Harry asked pitifully.
“He can have it all, for all I care,” Ron offered in his monotone. “I don’t think I’ll eat another bite for the rest of my life.”
“Don’t tell me you two are still troubled what Molly said?” Hermione asked.
“Your mum didn’t just tell you what my mum did,” retorted Ron.
“No, but I did walk in on my parents once,” countered Hermione. She added in an undertone, “To this day, I just don’t see what men like about that silly metal bikini Carrie Fisher wore…
“Ron, your mother just told you that she is still very much in love with your father.” Hermione stated in a clear voice. “You should feel happy for her, not revolted by the notion.”
“What she told us about wasn’t love!” Ron said heatedly, the monotone gone from his speech. “That isn’t love… that’s… that’s…”
“What? ‘A blow-job’?” Hermione finished for Ron. The red-haired recoiled at the term “blow-job” as if Hermione had physically struck him. Hermione continued despite Ron’s reaction, “It isn’t necessarily love, but it proves you mother loves your father and is willing to do an activity that makes him happy.”
“Hermione, they… they’re old and they have kids,” Harry put in. “They shouldn’t be doing things like that.”
“They aren’t too old to have feelings for each other. And a desire to act on those feelings,” argued Hermione. “And as for having kids, Ron has six siblings; counting the twins, Molly has given birth six times. Do you think that means Molly and Arthur have only had sex a total of six times?”
“YES!” both Ron and Harry shouted. Neither one wanted to have the image of the elder Weasleys shagging. Upon wishing that they didn’t want said image entering their mind, naturally that particular image happened to enter their minds.
“Oh please, Ron. I’m certain that your parents have had sex many more than six times in their life,” stated Hermione. “Think of it as ‘practice runs’ if you will. And they like these ‘practice runs’ so much that even though they aren’t having any more babies, they still enjoy doing them.
“And as for you, Harry,” Hermione said turning to her boyfriend. “From all the stories I’ve heard about your father, I’m sure James took every opportunity to do some ‘practice runs’ with your mother.”
Harry used all of his will to block the image of his parents fooling around that was threatening to enter his mind.
“And don’t forget your father was an Animagus as well,” Hermione added with a touch of amusement. “I wouldn’t be surprised to find out if Lily was a little curious and…” Seeing the absolute looks of horror and dismay on her boyfriend’s face, Hermione decided to unleash her more playful side. “Hmmm… I wonder. Is it actually bestiality if the animal’s really human?”
Harry didn’t register the rest of Hermione’s train of thought because he blacked out once again. Mercifully.

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